Heart Changes

If you are here reading this, you probably know I am dusting off the old blog because in a few short months I will be on a plane heading back to my beloved Tanzania. In a practical sense this will be a way I can keep up with all of the people who claim a place in my heart, although I want it to be more than just keeping up with you all.  I want these writings to be a place that reflect the gospel of my dear Lord and Savior as well as the depths of what He is doing in my heart and soul. I am not a writer but I do love to share my heart with people and that is what you will find here.

So why Africa again? Why here and now? The pieces of my story which lead me here would take entirely too long to share here. In all honesty I have been struggling to write this post. I can't seem to find the words to adequately convey what my heart has experienced in the years gone by, especially what has happened in the last year. Somehow they seem like empty words on a page when I try to let you all into the story He has been writing. Still, I am going to try my best to give you all a glimpse into my heart behind this trip.

The Father has uniquely gifted my heart to feel the pain and sorrows of others. He has given me the gift of mercy which can often leave me feeling very alone. I would like to say that I am faithful to love people in this way and use this gift to show the gospel but I confess that most of the time I ignore it. My natural tendency is to run from deep heart relationships because they so often bring great pain.  Last summer I was particularly determined to ignore the depth of my own heart. For months I tried to push back the light inside of me and satisfy myself with things of the world. I thought that surely it would be better to have some surface level happiness rather than deep relationship with Jesus. I knew that having a real deep thriving relationship with Jesus would be the most life-giving thing I could do but because of how He has created me it would not only be filled with great joy but also much sorrow. I wasn't opening my heart in relationships because I knew that if I did I wouldn't just have the ability to experience great love but also much hurt. In a very real sense I believed that Jesus was going to hurt me. Maybe not intentionally but I pictured him standing off in the distance and not caring about my pain and suffering. It took me getting broken in a senseless, self-serving relationship to bring me to my knees. Moving out of that relationship last year God slowly began preparing my heart for what was to come in the winter of 2017/2018. That relationship brought me to a place of desperation. When the Father graciously brought me out of that place the prayer on my heart and lips was that He would take me to deeper places no matter the cost. Little did I know how he was going to answer that prayer.  It was a long process, God answering that plea of my heart. It looked nothing like I wanted it to but it was exactly what I needed. He used the extreme of my unhealthy relationship to drive me to a place of desperation for things dear to His heart.

 When He brought a new relationship into my world last December I was utterly terrified he would crush me with it. I felt like my heart was being pried open and that is exactly what He was doing despite my best efforts to keep walls up. As my heart opened more and more towards this individual the Father began to step in and effect some pretty radical heart change. This person that had walked into my life had the potential to open me up in a way no one ever had. The details of this relationship aren't really that important except for the fact that it was the thing God used to open up my heart in a way which allowed Him into places that desperately needed to experience the power of the gospel. The risk was huge. I eventually chose to trust the Father and open my heart to this person despite the great risk I still keenly felt. I began to experience the love of the Father in ways I didn't know were possible. I began to no longer be afraid of God crushing and breaking me in this thing. And you know what? He didn't crush me.

The story didn't even come close to being what I thought it would be. The person He had brought into my life, that opened my heart in countless ways, walked away with no warning. I should have been crushed. Was my heart grieving beyond what I could have imagined, absolutely. But something I never expected happened as a result of this relationship ending. The Father continued to open up my heart and revel Himself to me. I again began to experience the gospel of Jesus in my place in ways I couldn't have dreamed. Like I said at the beginning of all this I really don't know how to put these things to words. Because of the power of the Holy Spirit I walked out of a situation that should of had me questioning His goodness, instead I was reveling in how good and gracious He is to His children. I was filled with great hope and love when the world would say I should have been emptied of those things. Some time after this relationship had ended I was reading back through my journals when I saw another prayer I had begun to repeat: that my Savior would be the strength of my heart. I once again had asked him to do this no matter the cost. He had answered yet again in a way I never imagined but was exactly what I needed. Dear friends He absolutely knows what is best for our hearts. He is faithfully teaching me that though my heart when open to him is vulnerable, it is in the safest and best place it could be. He is not the cause of our pain or distant from His children. He is in fact near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).  Does this mean it is comfortable and without pain, no it surely is not. Though the pain is great I could not have known the indescribably beautiful things I now know in my heart apart from being open to Him. This passage of scripture from Lamentations 3 is one that is familiar to most but for me is something that is true and living in my soul.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;^[b]
    his mercies never come to an end;
²³ they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
²⁶ It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.
²⁷ It is good for a man that he bear
    the yoke in his youth.

²⁸ Let him sit alone in silence
    when it is laid on him;
²⁹ let him put his mouth in the dust—
    there may yet be hope;
³⁰ let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
    and let him be filled with insults.

³¹ For the Lord will not
    cast off forever,
³² but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
    according to the abundance of his steadfast love;

That last verse has been hanging on my wall for well over a year and little did I know how truly my heart would come to know it. If you are still reading all this, you are probably asking what in the world does all this have to do with my upcoming trip to Africa. Well, it isn't actually about Africa, its about hearts and souls that need the gospel. I have spent most of my life having a head knowledge about God and his love for us, and I have shared this whole story with you because it is the reason I now have a heart knowledge of the gospel; Gods unfathomable love for us. Africa is merely the place where I feel pulled to by the Holy Spirit to share this love right now. And so I invite you into this next chapter of my life as I head back to Tanzania and live out the gospel in that place for however long God sees fit.

In His Steadfast Love- Nancy 

I have just 8 short days left in my beloved Africa.  My heart loves this place and these people so dearly.   I keep joking with the kids that I'm going to have to bring them all home with me in my suitcase.  These kids make me happy to be alive.  They have taught me how to laugh even through the pain that comes with this life.  They have showed me what it is to worship and praise God even through the storms.  They have helped to strengthen my heart and yet make it so much more tender and broken before the Lord.   They showed me how to carry water on my head, how to make chapatti, and ugali.   I have danced with them, laughed with them, and cried with them.  They have captured my heart and leaving them in just about a week will be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. 

Its been such a strange thing to be in a place that is so very different from your culture and yet to feel that this place is more like home then where you were raised.   I have been reminded again that my heart for Africa is not something that just popped into my head as a little girl.  It is His desire for my life that He has made my desire as well.   I was praying or rather crying out to the Lord the other day because my heart was so heavy with the thought of leaving and I felt Him whisper to my soul...I know the plans I have for you,...plans for peace and not for evil to give you a future and a hope.   I was questioning plans that He had very clearly put before me.  Even though I would much rather stay here then go home and start college that is what He has put before me to do now.  His plans are so much bigger and greater than anything we could ever imagine.  So I am holding on to this word from Jeremiah, I know the plans I have for you.  He knows what He's doing, He knows best.

A year ago I got to meet this precious young mother and her day old son.  Yesterday I got to visit with them for the first time since last year.   It was such a joy seeing Kevin's bright eyes and radiant little smile.  You could see that he felt safe and loved by his mother.  So many of the African children I see here are on their own for the most part.  Parents don't really take the time to raise their kids not to mention love on them.  To see this young single mom truly investing in her son and showing him love was a really beautiful thing. 

 

I've come to realize that I have been very near sighted these past few months here in Africa. I have been putting my worth in what I see has been accomplished in a day. Apart from the fact that I should be putting my worth only in Jesus Christ, this way of thinking is extremely discouraging. I had to step back the other day and look at the whole picture. Kids that would hardly look at me the first month now smile and greet me as we pass on the street. A lot of the girls now laugh and talk freely with me as if we had been friends for longer than the short three months I have been here. Granted I still have a long way to go and I do still feel as though I could or should be doing more but the lie that I am worthless here, which yes I often tell myself, is just that a lie.

 

I have been learning so much over the past few weeks. God has been showing me just how weak I really am. I have created this façade that I am strong enough I am safe and I can protect my own heart. He is starting to pull down that curtain I have been putting up. I am so thankful that he is revealing this to me but it is a really hard and painful lesson to learn because comforts that I would typically run to have been failing me. They never were true or constant as much as I would have liked to hold to them. He alone is my rock, He will never fail me, He is constant, in Him alone I find strength! Oh that I would take this to heart every moment of every day. But in my sinful and prideful heart I try to put that curtain back up and say I got this I can handle it just fine by myself. Even as I write this I feel that struggle and war going on in my heart. It is a battle I will have to fight till the day I die I know, but I pray that I won't give up the fight as I have been doing.

 

Thank you so very much to every one who has been praying for me! It is a huge encouragement to me. Please be praying that I would cling to Jesus for my strength. Its not an easy life here and even with close friends it is really lonely at times. I find that I am much more home sick than I was last year. I know that the Lord has called me here though for this time and want to be a true witness for the kingdom of God in this place. I am afraid that I have been a very poor witness for the most part. I don't want to regret the time I spend here. Please pray that my time here won't be wasted and that people would see the light of Christ in me, not just a good moral person. I love and miss you all greatly!

Blessings~ Nancy

Thought I would update you all on what has been going on in Ntagatcha!  We finally have rain!!!  The kids are replanting all the fields now that the drought is over.  The weather is also much cooler now that the rains have come.  The early mornings have been in the mid 60's.  I have been helping out with painting some new apartments for the teachers at the school, tutoring some girls in the evenings and starting to do a little experimental baking in the new wood fired pizza oven.   I'm slowly picking up Swahili, though learning a new language has definitely been way more challenging than I expected.   I have also found time to work on some sewing projects which entailed learning how to use a treadle sewing machine.  A couple weeks ago I went to the spring to get water with the girls and carried a bucket of water on my head for the first time.  It really made me appreciate having water brought to the guest house. 

As for my heart, that is a complicated mess right now and I would greatly appreciate your prayers for me.  I am really homesick and struggling with my decision to stay on top of a lot of other things.  I don't doubt that this was what God wanted of me its just not easy being in another culture.  It means the world to me to know that my friends and family are praying for me though! 

Just a few shots of life...

 

    Blessings~ Nancy

Sacrifice, this is what I am called to as a follower of Christ. The Holy Spirit has really been convicting me on this one. To give my ALL for the sake of His gospel. I have had a passion for missions for as long as I can remember. When I was young and my faith and hope was new in Christ the passion I had for Him and His heart for the lost was such a powerful thing in my soul. Over the years the things of the world took a strong hold in my heart and that fire for the lost was buried deep in my heart. I was concerned only for myself and the desires of my heart not His. Last year when I went to Tanzania I was clinging to the small hope that the passion I had as a child would just come back when my feet touched the ground. I see how immature that was and how all I really needed to do was truly come back to the heart of the Father. I'm not saying this whole entire time I had been faking it but, for the most part I was living life in my own strength with an occasional prayer to the one who gave everything for me.  Why I don't know. I cry just thinking about all He does for me and I in turn give him a small part of my heart and life.

 

I can't say anything crazy or miraculous has happened over the past four weeks here but He has definitely been making some shifts in this hard heart of mine. I picked up the book Radical by David Platt before my trip here and really started to dig into it more over the past couple of weeks. I finished it a couple days ago with a conviction in my heart to give my EVERYTHING for the sake of the Gospel. I am committing to a year of radical living in which time I will; pray for the entire world, read through the entire Word, sacrifice my money for a specific purpose, spend my time in another context, and commit my life to a multiplying community of believers. I realize this sounds totally crazy and ridiculous to a lot of you and that's ok. I am starting to come to the conclusion that my life as a follower of Jesus Christ should look crazy and radical to the world. I was living a worldly life with Jesus on the side.

 

So something crazy that has already happened as a result of the conviction in my heart is that I will be spending about four extra months here at City of Hope. Like I said its goanna look crazy and radical! The idea of staying longer was mentioned to me early on in the trip by some good friends. I really wanted to love the idea but my heart was clinging to things back in the states that I really didn't want to give up. I knew deep down that the right thing to do was stay. After all I wanted to spend a couple of years in Africa not to long ago and here was the perfect chance to have a longer term commitment. What was my problem? Honestly I kinda tried to ignore the suggestion. Finally one night I was getting really frustrated about it and began to share my frustrations with Sarah. I was a mess, I was crying my eyes out because I knew I was being really selfish about wanting to be back in the states for things but at the same time I really wanted the Lord to give me a passion to stay. Sarah was so patient with me and just sat listening to me and all the while silently praying that God would give me a peace about staying. Then like a light switch He flooded my heart with a peace that surpasses all understanding and whispered to me stay. He gave me the strength to sacrifice what I had been clinging so desperately to. And just like that He started to work things out for me to stay.

 

I realize that I have probably said a ton of really uncomfortable things and many of you my feel I was to open and vulnerable with my heart, but I realize that when someday when I stand before my God I will never be criticized for being open but rather the opposite will be true. I want to thank you all so much for your prayers and all the other ways you have supported me in this journey! It encourages my heart tremendously to know you are praying for me here. I love you all so much and look forward to sharing more with you in the coming months.

 

Blessings~ Nancy

 

So much has happened this past year.  Much to rejoice in, like going to Tanzania, becoming a nanny for the family I traveled there with, being a part of an amazing new body of believers, getting another little nephew, the list could go on.   There was also sorrow,  relationships torn and strained, and the loss of a very dear loved one.   This year taught me much, that's for sure.  

Well I'm starting this new year off with another great adventure.  Come the first of February I am getting on a plane bound for the same little village in Tanzania I lived in for three months last winter.   I am so excited and thrilled to be going back!  This time I will know many of the little faces eager to greet me when we arrive.   I feel like I have a better view of missions this time as well.   Last time I was like I'm just going to love all these people.  That's not a bad thing but Jesus also called us to make disciples of all nations not just to love all nations.   I believe my heart is more in line with my Saviors this time.  Its going to be hard, I'll really have to commit to learning the language, as well as truly investing in the kids lives and really getting to know their hearts.  Its scares the mess out of me, but I'm determined to live with my heart open and without fear of hard things or messing up.

Please pray for me to keep my heart open and that I would have deep intimacy with the Lord listening to His Spirit and following His guidance in all I do there.  I want to bring Him much glory and truly help further His kingdom in Ntagacha Tanzania this winter. 

 Blessings~ Nancy