If you are here reading this, you probably know I am dusting off the
old blog because in a few short months I will be on a plane heading back
to my beloved Tanzania. In a practical sense this will be a way I can
keep up with all of the people who claim a place in my heart, although I
want it to be more than just keeping up with you all. I want these
writings to be a place that reflect the gospel of my dear Lord and
Savior as well as the depths of what He is doing in my heart and soul. I
am not a writer but I do love to share my heart with people and that is
what you will find here.
So why Africa again? Why here and now? The pieces of my story which lead me here would take entirely too long to share here. In all honesty I have been struggling to write this post. I can't seem to find the words to adequately convey what my heart has experienced in the years gone by, especially what has happened in the last year. Somehow they seem like empty words on a page when I try to let you all into the story He has been writing. Still, I am going to try my best to give you all a glimpse into my heart behind this trip.
The Father has uniquely gifted my heart to feel the pain and sorrows of others. He has given me the gift of mercy which can often leave me feeling very alone. I would like to say that I am faithful to love people in this way and use this gift to show the gospel but I confess that most of the time I ignore it. My natural tendency is to run from deep heart relationships because they so often bring great pain. Last summer I was particularly determined to ignore the depth of my own heart. For months I tried to push back the light inside of me and satisfy myself with things of the world. I thought that surely it would be better to have some surface level happiness rather than deep relationship with Jesus. I knew that having a real deep thriving relationship with Jesus would be the most life-giving thing I could do but because of how He has created me it would not only be filled with great joy but also much sorrow. I wasn't opening my heart in relationships because I knew that if I did I wouldn't just have the ability to experience great love but also much hurt. In a very real sense I believed that Jesus was going to hurt me. Maybe not intentionally but I pictured him standing off in the distance and not caring about my pain and suffering. It took me getting broken in a senseless, self-serving relationship to bring me to my knees. Moving out of that relationship last year God slowly began preparing my heart for what was to come in the winter of 2017/2018. That relationship brought me to a place of desperation. When the Father graciously brought me out of that place the prayer on my heart and lips was that He would take me to deeper places no matter the cost. Little did I know how he was going to answer that prayer. It was a long process, God answering that plea of my heart. It looked nothing like I wanted it to but it was exactly what I needed. He used the extreme of my unhealthy relationship to drive me to a place of desperation for things dear to His heart.
When He brought a new relationship into my world last December I was utterly terrified he would crush me with it. I felt like my heart was being pried open and that is exactly what He was doing despite my best efforts to keep walls up. As my heart opened more and more towards this individual the Father began to step in and effect some pretty radical heart change. This person that had walked into my life had the potential to open me up in a way no one ever had. The details of this relationship aren't really that important except for the fact that it was the thing God used to open up my heart in a way which allowed Him into places that desperately needed to experience the power of the gospel. The risk was huge. I eventually chose to trust the Father and open my heart to this person despite the great risk I still keenly felt. I began to experience the love of the Father in ways I didn't know were possible. I began to no longer be afraid of God crushing and breaking me in this thing. And you know what? He didn't crush me.
The story didn't even come close to being what I thought it would be. The person He had brought into my life, that opened my heart in countless ways, walked away with no warning. I should have been crushed. Was my heart grieving beyond what I could have imagined, absolutely. But something I never expected happened as a result of this relationship ending. The Father continued to open up my heart and revel Himself to me. I again began to experience the gospel of Jesus in my place in ways I couldn't have dreamed. Like I said at the beginning of all this I really don't know how to put these things to words. Because of the power of the Holy Spirit I walked out of a situation that should of had me questioning His goodness, instead I was reveling in how good and gracious He is to His children. I was filled with great hope and love when the world would say I should have been emptied of those things. Some time after this relationship had ended I was reading back through my journals when I saw another prayer I had begun to repeat: that my Savior would be the strength of my heart. I once again had asked him to do this no matter the cost. He had answered yet again in a way I never imagined but was exactly what I needed. Dear friends He absolutely knows what is best for our hearts. He is faithfully teaching me that though my heart when open to him is vulnerable, it is in the safest and best place it could be. He is not the cause of our pain or distant from His children. He is in fact near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). Does this mean it is comfortable and without pain, no it surely is not. Though the pain is great I could not have known the indescribably beautiful things I now know in my heart apart from being open to Him. This passage of scripture from Lamentations 3 is one that is familiar to most but for me is something that is true and living in my soul.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
That last verse has been hanging on my wall for well over a year and little did I know how truly my heart would come to know it. If you are still reading all this, you are probably asking what in the world does all this have to do with my upcoming trip to Africa. Well, it isn't actually about Africa, its about hearts and souls that need the gospel. I have spent most of my life having a head knowledge about God and his love for us, and I have shared this whole story with you because it is the reason I now have a heart knowledge of the gospel; Gods unfathomable love for us. Africa is merely the place where I feel pulled to by the Holy Spirit to share this love right now. And so I invite you into this next chapter of my life as I head back to Tanzania and live out the gospel in that place for however long God sees fit.
In His Steadfast Love- Nancy
So why Africa again? Why here and now? The pieces of my story which lead me here would take entirely too long to share here. In all honesty I have been struggling to write this post. I can't seem to find the words to adequately convey what my heart has experienced in the years gone by, especially what has happened in the last year. Somehow they seem like empty words on a page when I try to let you all into the story He has been writing. Still, I am going to try my best to give you all a glimpse into my heart behind this trip.
The Father has uniquely gifted my heart to feel the pain and sorrows of others. He has given me the gift of mercy which can often leave me feeling very alone. I would like to say that I am faithful to love people in this way and use this gift to show the gospel but I confess that most of the time I ignore it. My natural tendency is to run from deep heart relationships because they so often bring great pain. Last summer I was particularly determined to ignore the depth of my own heart. For months I tried to push back the light inside of me and satisfy myself with things of the world. I thought that surely it would be better to have some surface level happiness rather than deep relationship with Jesus. I knew that having a real deep thriving relationship with Jesus would be the most life-giving thing I could do but because of how He has created me it would not only be filled with great joy but also much sorrow. I wasn't opening my heart in relationships because I knew that if I did I wouldn't just have the ability to experience great love but also much hurt. In a very real sense I believed that Jesus was going to hurt me. Maybe not intentionally but I pictured him standing off in the distance and not caring about my pain and suffering. It took me getting broken in a senseless, self-serving relationship to bring me to my knees. Moving out of that relationship last year God slowly began preparing my heart for what was to come in the winter of 2017/2018. That relationship brought me to a place of desperation. When the Father graciously brought me out of that place the prayer on my heart and lips was that He would take me to deeper places no matter the cost. Little did I know how he was going to answer that prayer. It was a long process, God answering that plea of my heart. It looked nothing like I wanted it to but it was exactly what I needed. He used the extreme of my unhealthy relationship to drive me to a place of desperation for things dear to His heart.
When He brought a new relationship into my world last December I was utterly terrified he would crush me with it. I felt like my heart was being pried open and that is exactly what He was doing despite my best efforts to keep walls up. As my heart opened more and more towards this individual the Father began to step in and effect some pretty radical heart change. This person that had walked into my life had the potential to open me up in a way no one ever had. The details of this relationship aren't really that important except for the fact that it was the thing God used to open up my heart in a way which allowed Him into places that desperately needed to experience the power of the gospel. The risk was huge. I eventually chose to trust the Father and open my heart to this person despite the great risk I still keenly felt. I began to experience the love of the Father in ways I didn't know were possible. I began to no longer be afraid of God crushing and breaking me in this thing. And you know what? He didn't crush me.
The story didn't even come close to being what I thought it would be. The person He had brought into my life, that opened my heart in countless ways, walked away with no warning. I should have been crushed. Was my heart grieving beyond what I could have imagined, absolutely. But something I never expected happened as a result of this relationship ending. The Father continued to open up my heart and revel Himself to me. I again began to experience the gospel of Jesus in my place in ways I couldn't have dreamed. Like I said at the beginning of all this I really don't know how to put these things to words. Because of the power of the Holy Spirit I walked out of a situation that should of had me questioning His goodness, instead I was reveling in how good and gracious He is to His children. I was filled with great hope and love when the world would say I should have been emptied of those things. Some time after this relationship had ended I was reading back through my journals when I saw another prayer I had begun to repeat: that my Savior would be the strength of my heart. I once again had asked him to do this no matter the cost. He had answered yet again in a way I never imagined but was exactly what I needed. Dear friends He absolutely knows what is best for our hearts. He is faithfully teaching me that though my heart when open to him is vulnerable, it is in the safest and best place it could be. He is not the cause of our pain or distant from His children. He is in fact near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). Does this mean it is comfortable and without pain, no it surely is not. Though the pain is great I could not have known the indescribably beautiful things I now know in my heart apart from being open to Him. This passage of scripture from Lamentations 3 is one that is familiar to most but for me is something that is true and living in my soul.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.
to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.
28 Let him sit alone in silence
when it is laid on him;
29 let him put his mouth in the dust—
there may yet be hope;
30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
and let him be filled with insults.
when it is laid on him;
29 let him put his mouth in the dust—
there may yet be hope;
30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
and let him be filled with insults.
31 For the Lord will not
cast off forever,
32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
cast off forever,
32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
That last verse has been hanging on my wall for well over a year and little did I know how truly my heart would come to know it. If you are still reading all this, you are probably asking what in the world does all this have to do with my upcoming trip to Africa. Well, it isn't actually about Africa, its about hearts and souls that need the gospel. I have spent most of my life having a head knowledge about God and his love for us, and I have shared this whole story with you because it is the reason I now have a heart knowledge of the gospel; Gods unfathomable love for us. Africa is merely the place where I feel pulled to by the Holy Spirit to share this love right now. And so I invite you into this next chapter of my life as I head back to Tanzania and live out the gospel in that place for however long God sees fit.
In His Steadfast Love- Nancy
